


The Thoughts That Follow

by punch_you_with_friendship



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Thomas Sanders
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Arguments, Coming Out, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Lashing Out, Pre-accepting anxiety, Teenage Sides, Teenage Thomas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 00:48:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16943850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punch_you_with_friendship/pseuds/punch_you_with_friendship
Summary: A teenage Thomas has realized that he's gay. What next? Coming out. The sides each have different reactions to Thomas telling his best friend the big secret, and Virgil may have taken his fear and anger a bit too far. Long before Accepting Anxiety, but probably also before the villainization of Virgil truly began.





	The Thoughts That Follow

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Arguments, self-hatred, implied anxiety/panic attacks, food mention? (Always let me know if I missed any!)

“Oh my god,” Virgil said as he paced the length of the living room, both hands running through his hair. “Thomas actually did it. He told him.”

“Yes, Anxiety, you have reiterated this statement many times.” Logan tapped his fingers on the spine of his book. He had closed it an hour ago—Virgil wondered if he was aware he was still holding it. “We don’t need reminders, nor have we ever needed them.”

“Quiet, you. For once Oscar the Grouch might have reason to brood.” Roman grumbled. Virgil noticed Roman’s hand gripping the hilt of his sword. _What’s he afraid of? Me?_

“Oh come on, Roman, chin up! Thomas hasn’t even gotten a response yet.” Patton handed Logan and Roman each a mug of hot cocoa and walked back to the kitchen to fetch mugs for Virgil and himself.

“That’s exactly the problem,” Virgil objected. “Who knows how he might react! What if he’s disgusted? What if he thinks Thomas is confused? What if he cuts the friendship off right then and there?”

“That is technically possible, but I say it’s more likely that he’ll receive the news well. We all agreed this morning that he was the most suitable person to tell, correct?”

“Yeah, but… Thomas is gay. That’s not normal. He’s gonna think it’s a disease, oh god, what have we done…”

“Deep breaths, kiddo. It’ll all work out.” Patton reentered, holding two more mugs. He set Virgil’s down on the coffee table, but Virgil had no intention of drinking it.

“You’re so sure about that, Patton. Being gay can ruin your career right now. Why can’t it ruin a friendship?” Virgil turned around to walk across the room once more. His mind was racing. Why had Logan and Patton thought this would be a good idea?

“Josh isn’t like that! He’ll understand.” Patton smiled reassuringly.

Roman took a deep breath. “You might be right. Josh certainly knows the meaning of true platonic love.” He let go of the sword and ran his hand through his hair.

“See? Just take it easy, Anxiety. It’ll be okay.”

“You don’t know that!” Virgil’s defenses were rising. He couldn’t have the others expecting it to go well in case they were proven wrong.

“I think we do. Just… Have a little faith.” Roman sipped his hot cocoa.

Virgil snarled. Now they were shaming him again! “Wow, what a great thing to tell the embodiment of Anxiety! I can just _wish really hard_ for things to be okay, and I’ll get everything I want. Great advice!” _What right do they have to be calm about this? Why are they treating it like it’s okay?_

Logan raised his eyebrows. “Calm down. I believe what they meant to say was—”

“Shut up, shut up, of course you’re going to take their side—this was your stupid idea.”

Logan was taken aback. “Stupid?! Thomas was ready to come out! And keeping this secret was harming Patton’s emotional state!”

“Of course it was harming his emotional state! Everything harms his emotional state!” Oh no, too far. Patton whimpered. Virgil instantly hated himself for it.

Roman sent Virgil the usual glare. “You’re not helping this situation, Anxiety!”

“Really? What happened to ‘I might have reason to brood’?”

“You…!” Roman huffed, considering his words. “You have reason to be concerned, I’ll admit it. But not reason to whip us all into a panic! Merlin’s beard, Anxiety! Why do you have to make everything worse?”

Roman’s words stung, especially since they were true. But Virgil wasn’t going to let Roman know that he got to him. “I’m making everything worse?! Thomas just told someone his biggest secret! Josh might hate him now, and I’m _still the bad guy?_ ”

“Oh, good. Looks like you’re all taking this wonderfully.” The four aspects turned to see that Thomas had appeared at the doorway to the kitchen, phone in hand. He sat down on the couch next to Roman.

“Thomas. How are you holding up, kiddo?” Patton took a sip from his mug, looking relieved that the fighting had been cut off.

“Not too great. He still hasn’t texted me back…” Thomas stared at his phone. The conversation lead up to the words ‘I’m gay’, there in writing for Josh to read.

Virgil made a noise like a wounded animal. “What if he doesn’t ever text back? What if he just avoids you from now on?” _That’d be even worse! At least if he replies back saying ‘I hate you’ we’ll know for sure how he feels._

“That would be incredibly difficult, considering he and Thomas have class together every day,” Logan commented as he adjusted his tie.

“You think that’s a good thing? If Josh decides he hates Thomas, we have to see him and be reminded of that every. Single. Day.”

Patton was staring at the ground, lost in his worries. Thomas reached out and grabbed his hand. “Anxiety, have you been doing this ever since I texted Josh?”

Virgil clenched his fists and kept pacing, refusing to meet Thomas’s eyes.

Thomas sighed. “You need to stop and let us help you. It’ll be okay.”

“I can’t stop! Don’t you see that?”

“Anxiety, you’re not making sense,” Logan posited.

“Shut up! Just stop talking!” Virgil stood in place, still grabbing at his head like there was something in it he needed to get out. His makeup was probably smeared by now, but he couldn’t care less.

“This isn’t an argument, Anxiety. We’re on the same team.” Thomas gave Virgil a look of concern.

“Y-yeah! I’m sure Josh will respond soon, and then everything will be okay.” Patton gave Virgil a plastered smile, but when Virgil responded with a withering glare, it faded from his face.

“How do you know? How do any of you know that this will all end with sunshine and hugs and best friends forever? There is a _real chance_ that Josh is not going to accept Thomas, and I’m just trying to make sure we don’t forget that!”

Roman leapt to his feet. “Why? Why do we need to constantly be tormented by fear?”

Thomas looked wary. “Princey…”

“I am defending your honor, Thomas! You have some truly wonderful attributes, and you should not have to live constantly wondering who’s going to hate you next!” Roman was clearly fed up. Virgil looked at him with dismay.

“But what if—”

“No, Anxiety! Gay or not, Thomas is worthy of friendship! And Josh will not forget that fact just because of a little thing like Thomas’s sexuality!”

“But _what if_ —”

“End of discussion!” Roman’s shoulders heaved. “I have had enough of you, Anxiety! Leave our presence!”

Virgil took a step back, breathing hard. He ran his gaze over the room—Patton was squirming uncomfortably, Thomas was looking at Virgil in shock, and Logan looked like he was on his guard, waiting for Virgil’s next move. Roman only continued to glare daggers.

They really hated him. Virgil hadn’t been sure up until that moment.

For a long second, everybody looked at Virgil.

Then he sank out. There was nothing left to say.

He collapsed on his bed. He spent the next few hours lying there, hugging his pillow, sobbing. He could hear hushed voices downstairs, no doubt talking about how happy they were to have Virgil gone. Tears snaked down his face, dyed black by his eyeshadow. No one came up to check on him.

_You’re worthless. You’re a disgrace, a miserable excuse for a side._

Makeup got on his pillow, but it didn’t matter. Every pillowcase he owned had black eyeshadow stains.

_You’re a menace. All you ever do is hurt people._

He was shaking. His head hurt. He couldn’t stop.

_You make him panic. You make him sick. You’re everything that’s wrong with Thomas._

Time passed, and a loud text tone sounded downstairs, followed by laughter and sighs of relief. Virgil curled in on himself even more.

“He accepts me! Thanks for sticking it out, guys.”

Something ugly was clawing at Virgil’s insides. _Don’t hate them. Don’t hate them. They don’t deserve that._

_Hate yourself instead. It’s easy. You’ve always hated yourself. And who can’t see why?_

_You’re a disorder. You’re a freak. You should never have been formed._

_You hate yourself so much. So you can’t blame them…_

“See? I knew I was right!”

_For hating you too._

**Author's Note:**

> Yet another fic I've posted on Tumblr but not on AO3. This one is from much earlier this year, in January. You can tell it's one of my slightly earlier works. Thanks for reading!


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